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*Note: I did not the write poem. (It’s from “the perks of being a wallflower”)

Dear Friend,

Today, I hung out with Sophia. She slept over at my house like she does every Saturday. It was very sentimental. All we did was look at old scrapbooks, because she refused to do anything else. - Fiona

Dear Friend,

Sophia’s mom called our house today and told us that Sophia killed herself. -Fiona

Dear Friend,

Today was my first day in school without Sophia. I’ve never experienced something so challenging and upsetting. I’m doing everything independently. I walk to school alone, I walk in the halls alone, I come home for lunch, and I never talk to anyone. There’s no more seeing her across the street at 8:00am every morning. The fact that I hurt my ankle 10 days ago just makes things worse. I have to take the elevator everywhere, which makes me late for my classes. I feel like I’m a weird friendless loser, which I guess I am. I’m starting to realize why Sophia did what she did. I use to think my world was perfect, and I though Sophia thought so too. Obviously the world is not perfect. But, I don't think Sophia ever knew that. I don't know why she did what she did. She was perfect. Pretty, smart, popular, she didn't get bullied, she was flawless and everybody envied that. Mom said if I wanted to I could not go to school for the next couple days. –Fiona

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dog
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts

Dear Friend,

 It’s been nearly 7 days since Ive seen Sophie. I’ve been out of school for the past 5 days. I’m not planning on coming back any time soon. My ankle is almost healed, but there’s no way I could go back to school. Not until I find out what happened to Sophia. For the past couple of days I’ve though about it and I still can’t see why she killed herself. Her parents say she “had pressure on her”. Then again, they probably haven’t had a conversation with her longer than 2 minutes since Elementary school. I don't think ill ever be able to come to terms that she’s gone until I know why.

That was the year that Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
and he let them sing on the bus
and his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
and his mother and father kissed a lot

And the girl around the corner sent him a
valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Dear Friend,

It’s been 16 days since seeing Sophia. It’s nearly 2 weeks into the school year and I haven’t been to the actually school since the first day. It’s okay though because I “accidentally” re fractured my ankle. But that just gives me more time to think about Sophia. All I can think about it reasons why she wouldn't kill herself. She had never had plans to kill herself. She’d always planned for having a future. According to my mom, who’s a physiologist, people who are planning on killing themselves don't do that. The only thing somewhat strange was her favorite poem. Sophie was a hyper giggling out going girl, but for some reason her favorite poem wasn't. She told me that it described depression so well and interesting. I didn't pay any mind to it though, because who knew that she actually knew what depression felt like.

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint

Dear Friend,

Mom says that I’ve become obsessed with Sophia. All I ever think about is Sophie. She says that the only reason why I won’t stop think about her is because I refuse to accept what happened. But really I know its because I just need to know why. Her parents don't even care about the cause. All they do is sit around moaning for her. I can hear her mom sobbing all the way from down the hall. They didn't even care about her. I’ve started school again, and it’s never been worse. I don't talk to anyone, and nobody talks to me. I feel sort of lonely and bored, but I don't care. I just want to know what haooened to Sophia.

And the kids told him

That Father Tracy smoked cigars

And left butts on the pews

And sometimes they would burn holes

That was the year his sister got glasses

With thick lenses and black frames

Dear Friend,

It’s been 18 days since I saw Sophia for the last time. I’ve been slacking a lot in school and I think mom is starting to tell. For the past 3 days, I have barely been to any classes. I can seem to face them without anybody there with me. And I still don't know why I even have to face things alone. Sophie said that she was always going to be there with me the last night I saw her. Does that mean something? She was planning for a future but was it a future that she was actually going to have? Of course that would’ve never occurred to me on that night. She was acting completely normal. She was her giggly beautiful perfect self up until the morning. That was the morning that she took the pills. Instead of saying goodbye like she usually does, she just walked outside. I didn't think it was a big deal, nothing had happened the night before and that wasn't a reason for her to even be the slightest bit upset, and certainly nothing bad enough to compel herself to take 50 Advil. In fact, Sophia had always hated the idea of killing herself. When she was younger, cousins that she was close with killed themselves and ever since shed cringe at the word “suicide”. She said she had never felt so alone when they died, and I knew she would’ve never wanted to put me in the same position. –Fiona

Dear Friend,

It’s been 19 days since Sophie’s killed herself. I’ve been thinking about Sophie more and more lately. I think I know why she did what she did. Its' because she thought she deserved it. The only reason why Sophia was happy and giggly and cheerful is because she thought she needed to be. Sophie was and over achiever that wanted to please everyone and everything. That's why she was such a good friend. That's why she liked that poem. That's why she hated the fact that good friends killed themselves. She thought that they died because she let them, because she wasn't good enough and the poem expressed that perfectly. –Fiona

When he asked her to go see Santa Claus

And the kids told him why

His mother and father kissed a lot

And his father never tucked him in bed at night

And his father got mad

When he cried for him to do it.

Dear Friend,

It’s been almost 21 whole days since I’ve seen Sophie. Its still haven’t been to any of my classes in a while and I think mom is starting to catch on. All she ever does is ask me how I’m doing.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook

He wrote a poem

And he called it "Innocence: A Question"

Because that was the question about his girl

And that's what it was all about

And his professor gave him an A

And a strange steady look

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

Because he never showed her

Dear Friend,

It’s been 25 days since Sophie killed herself and I’m starting to blame myself for it. I wasn't a good friend like she was. I can never concentrate anymore. Anything I do makes me think of Sophie, which makes me feel guilty. I can’t focus in school for the very few classes that I actually go to. And I never even talk to my family anymore. I feel stuck and guilty all the time and now that I’ve figured out why Sophie did what she did, I just feel guilty for the fact that she did it. -Fiona

-

Dear Friend,

The day Sophie killed herself was the day after her cousin did. That means she was planning it for a long time, and I still didn't notice. -Fiona

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag

he tried another poem

And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"

Because that's what it was really all about

And he gave himself an A

and a slash on each wrist

And he hung it on the bathroom door

because this time he didn't think

he could reach the kitchen.

Dear Friend,

It’s been almost 1O days since I’ve last written to you things have changed a lot. I’m currently in the hospital. On Friday, I did the exact same thing Sophia did, almost 1 month later to the day. Or I tried to, halfway through the bottle my mom found me in tears bunched up in my room. Lately, for the past month I’ve been ignoring my mom and my whole family. Obviously that wasn't a good idea because now they’re super conscious and won’t take an eye off of me. I’m not even sure why I did what I did, after being so upset and outraged about the fact that Sophie ever did that to herself. But now I’m stuck in the hospital for another day and when I’m out I’m going to have to go to therapy every single day and actually start going to class. I don't know how I’m going to be able to get through even 1 day of and especially not a whole year of 8^th grade.

Dear Friend,

It’s been fine around the house lately. I go to school like a normal person but I still don't have many friends. Everybody thinks I’m sort of weird and I guess I’m a little bit of an outcast. I go to therapy and it actually helps a bit. All I want to do is get through the year, but I still have about 9 months left. -Fiona

Dear Friend,

It’s been almost a year since Sophie has died and since I’ve even thought about writing to you. I’m in high school and I guess I have my own crew of friends. I still go to therapy once a week and Sophie is a big part of my family’s lives and me. Sophie’s family moved away to Florida so I don't have to be reminded of her every time I walk by her house. I got through the year fine, I had some bad days but mostly it was ok. By now I am almost back to normal and I don't even know how I was ever in the hospital less than a year ago. -Fiona